Rainy Days....

sewing with mama....

and sharing cake with Blah-Blah the monkey
mmmmm, yummy mama!

a little bedtime cake....

painting while the rain falls.....

apple sauce in the making....

old crayon bits.....

into new crayons!

making songs for mama....

Here in sunny southern California.... it has been anything but sunny. 80 mile per hour winds, pouring rain, thunder, lighting, and hail. I love it! I am very thankful that we still have our little home to stay dry in. Panic has begun to once again set in, February 1st is nearing, my husband still has not found work, and we still have not a penny in our pockets. I know that even if we find a way to pay rent, if he does not start work immediately, March will be just as worrisome. It has been a blur of job application after job application, hoping and praying. The stress, worry, and fear is too much for me. I know money will never be in abundance in our family, I just want to have the peace of mind knowing that my babies will have a little place to call home, a place for warm bubble baths, and snuggly mornings, a place for mama to bake cookies and a little corner to sew for my little ones. I want to not have to be in a panic when we run out of dish soap or diapers or Tums for my heartburn. I just want to be able to get by. My mama, thank goodness for my mama, if it weren't for her, this situation would be even more horrible. My mama always keeps my boys in their diapers and training underwear, shoes that fit, warm sweaters, toys and treats. She washes their dirty clothes every week for me and makes emergency trips up the hill to our town to save us in the knick of time before the electricity gets shut off. She cheers me up with trips for patterns and yarn, yummy lunches, baby clothes, toilet paper and pimple cream! Our outings are always aimed to cheer me up, and keep my mind off my worries. There is usually always a diet coke and bakery cookies for the boys, and a toddler temper tantrum and us running from the store in embarrasment at my childrens will antics, but as harried as the days are, they help me keep my sanity. I have been trying hard to not let my panic and worries overcome me, and have been keeping busy with the goodies my mama keeps me supplied with. Sewing and crocheting, baking and playing with my littles. Today.... we are listening to the rain pour, waiting for it to let up long enough to bundle up, take off in our rickety red wagon, and fetch some milk from the store. I think it will be a soggy adventure!

What was I thinking?

Okay, so I am either the worst mama in the world, or the best one. Or perhaps just a slighty free-spirited crazy one. I think the first mistake I made was allowing them to romp outside in their pajamas.... and once the mud was spotted by my two little men, there was no stopping them. After they had had their fill of sloppy mud puddle splashing and frolicking, a very warm bubble bath and yummy hot cocoa was immediately prepared. This week we are expecting very heavy rains for 4 days straight. I am quite excited about this, rainy weather always puts me in even more of a mood to bake cakes, cut into fabric and sew sew sew, paint with the kids, play games and puzzles, built forts for snuggling, and do lots of creative projects. However, after the rain, I am a bit concerned about all the mud for my childrens' romping pleasure.

Grilled Cheese and Good News....

Here are my two cuties, enjoying a grilled cheese sandwhich before church. It has been a long and emotionally trying week, full of many ups and downs, a thriller of a roller coaster ride to say the least, but some good news has come. Thanks to help from family, the rent check was mailed off yesterday, so for now... this little home I love, is mine to love for a bit longer. I am scared to death at the thought of rent being once again due in 20 days, and no source of income coming in, but for now I am relieved that my boys have their little home they love to go to sleep in each night, their own bath tub to bathe in, and an oven for Mama to cook them their dinner. I am also glad that I can stop staring at each and every little corner of my house sobbing and blowing my nose!!! Many, many changes need to come about during this year. Many changes, to prevent us from once again being in this situation. There is so much that is out of my hands, but I am working on what I have the ability to change. I am truly grateful for all of your kind comments and prayers. Writing a blog and reading others has helped me through a lot of tough times. All though I rarely write of the tough times, blogging has helped me to get through them, to get my mind off them, to focus my attention on happy things, find inspiration in lovely craft projects or a yummy recipe, and I have found such sweet friendships amongst my fellow bloggers. Thank you all for your friendship and love and kindness.

Christmas pictures and some real thoughts for a change...

It has been a while, each day I come here to my blog with the intentions of leaving a post, yet I find myself at a loss for words of what to write about. Our Christmas was wonderful and beautiful, however before the 26th even came, my mind was once again flooded with worries, that not even the most magical of Christmas days could make go away. I will start with Christmas. Christmas truly was magical and enchanting for my little ones. Beginning this Christmas season, I knew there wouldn't be much under the tree from their mama, so I busied myself for months sewing a special quilt for Caillou, crocheting an aqua, yellow, and pale green blanket for Jasper, sewing teddy bears and little lambs, funny looking monsters, dolly diapers and kimonos, and Christmas eve pajamas. I scoured our little old thrift store on several occasions finding wondeful picture dictionaries for 50 cents, a little yellow tractor and a sesame street talking truck for just a few coins eachs, old fashioned preschool puzzles and flash cards for a quarter, with each treasure I found I hid it away in my old trunk at the foot of my bed. A special package arrived in the mail one day, from a truly amazing person I have met through blogging. The package was full of wooden toys, puzzles, nesting blocks, a little wooden flute and kazoo, dinasoars to paint, lots of treasures, she lovingly sent to be laid under the tree for my boys. A bit before Christmas with some special Christmas shopping funds from my mama, together my mama and I did a bit of Christmas shopping, I was quite happy to have been able to have gotten a few toys to place under the tree from their mama, not that a mama's handmade presents aren't loved too, but there is nothing like finding a little train in your Christmas stocking, or a friendly rubber dinosaur peering out at you from under the tree. The week before Christmas, on Monday evening, there was a knock on our door. When I opened the door, there on my porch were a handful of members from my church, singing us a Christmas carol. The boys came out of their room to see what was going on, and by the end of the song our church friends were coming in with arms full of gift bags and boxes and large trash bags full of presents beautifully gift wrapped for my boys. I was in shock and in tears, and of course the boys were so surprised and excited, they weren't quite sure what to do! Caillou questioned if it was "the Polar Express" Jasper grabbed presents and ran as fast as his chubby little legs could take him. After they left, all I could do in my shock and amazement was wipe tears from my eyes and offer a prayer of thankfullness for the blessings that had just been given us. Our green and red polka dotted tree skirt, was no longer in sight, the Christmas morning that I worried about being so small for my children was no more, there were far too many presents to count laying under the tree. Far more than presents arrived that night, ture Christmas Spirit was delivered to our home. All week I could not get over my gratitude and amazement of the kindness and love delivered to my boys. Christmas morning was enchanting. Caillou could hardly contain himself, he was bubbling over with excitement and happiness and Jasper too was mesmerized and curious about all that lay under the tree. For breakfast we had homemade applesauce and blueberry muffins, something mama used to make for me that I loved when I was a kid. The kids had a blast opening all their presents. There were lots of toys and our church had also bought beautiful clothing for the boys, pajamas, even socks, and a church outfit too, all of which were carefully picked out and in my kids exact sizes. There were hand knitted hats and soft balls, and a soft, cuddly, new robe for me ( which I have hardly taken off since Christmas morning!) Somewhere in the midst of the present opening, my Mama ( boo-bah to the boys) Grandpa, Nammy and Grandpa Bob came up to our home. We had yummy homemade cheese enchiladas rice and beans that my mama spent hours preparing on Christmas Eve, and a homemade cheesecake that Nammy made. Nammy and Boo-bah brought trains for the boys, their favorite thing to play!! And last but not least came the very special present from Boo-bah and Grandpa, a train table. This has been truly the best present my mama could have gotten for the boys, they have played with it nearly non stop, there is the occasional train fight, or Jasper decides to climb up on the middle of the table and I have to remove him, but this so far has proven to be the toy that my boys enjoy the most and play the nicest with each other. Christmas was wonderful, but as I said earlier, not even the most magical of Christmas celebrations could distract me from life's worries for long. As I lay in bed that night thinking of all the wonderful gifts given to my boys, I wondered where I would put them all. Rent being due soon, and no way to pay it. I wondered how many toys and how much of the boys clothing we would actually be able to keep. What would become of the furniture and knick knacks, and all the things I have made for our home. Where would mny children sleep at night. When Ollie is born will I have our old crib to put him in, let alone a room for that crib. All these fears that I live with daily came back to my mind, and with those fears, the magic of Christmas was over for mama. It has been a year now of my husband's unemployment, a year with no paychecks. A year of surviving solely off food stamps to feed my little family, our church and family helping us keep a roof over our head, and constantly going without... our bills are the very basic needs, we don't have television or even a house phone, we don't have a car payment, just one car to share, no memberships, or extras, still the basics needs are not being met, the bread not being won so to say. It has been a year of living in fear of being homeless with my babies, a year of uncertaintly, hopelessness, and a year of great frustration and anger as well. I paint a vivid picture on this blog of the happy parts of my life, the simple joys I share with my children. And then there is so much more that I keep to myself. A life that goes unwritten on the pages of this blog, a life that upsets me to much to share. However today, on the first of the month of a new year, I find myself struggling to write only about the sunshiney and happy, and feel a need for change in all areas of my life. A need to create a better life for myself and for my precious little ones. A need to find happiness and security. I feel a need to share more of me, a need to express my true self, a need to once again find that true self. Somehwere in the events of my adult years at the ripe age of 26 I have lost the feisty girl I once was, the girl that felt capable and confident of anything, the girl that made her own choices in life and was scared of nothing, controlled by no one, and answered to nobody but herself and her own whims and plans. I am searcing for that girl, trying to find myself and my inner strength once again. Fighting to make a better life for myself, and find happiness and hope to replace my tears and worries. I don't know what this New Year holds for me. I don't what choices or changes I will make in my life, I know many need to be made. I do know, that somehow it has to be better. It has to be better than sitting here on the first of the month, rent unpaid. Counting down the 9 days until we receive our eviction notice. This year has to be better.

Baby #3 secret revealed......

I am pleased to announce that baby #3 is another little boy! I am very excited, his name will be Ollie. Oliver actually, but we will call him Ollie. I am looking forward to having 3 little boys running around my house. 3 boys just feels just right, right now. So for now, the pink flowery fabric, vintage baby dress patterns, and lace and bows will be set aside for another day, a future baby, and out will come the blue flannel, polkadots and ric rac, little ducks and elephants and teddy bears, and I will begin sewing some sweet little boy clothes for my Ollie! Little Ollie is due to join our family June 1st, but being that I have to have c-sections, he will be scheduled to arrive sometime towards the end of May. He will be the perfect Mother's Day gift. Have a wonderful day everyone!

And baby #3 is......

Today I went to my first doctor appointment with this pregnancy. It was a long time in the waiting, with medi-cal insurance drama I was stuck just going to the ER until today. I had good insurance through my husband's work and the best doctor in the world with Caillou and Jasper. It was a bit difficult for me to have to go to a different doctor this time around... okay it was more than a bit difficult, I called my old doctor's office countless times begging to be seen even though I was on medi-cal, even though I was too poor to pay for the delivery, I even contemplated going in his office with a pie and crying, my therapist even thought that stood a good chance, but in the end, I toughened up, accepted that with poor people's insurance you just can't go see the best doctor in town, and okay, well I am still throwing myself a pity party and want my old doc. But today I went to the new doctor...... and baby # 3 revealed whether I will be sewing pink or blue. I have picked the name, and my mama (Boo-bah) to the the boys... of course followed tradition and took me out baby shopping for a few darling little things. To keep the suspense a bit longer, I will wait to reveal pink or blue until my next post... along with baby's name. Feel free to comment with your guesses of gender and the selected baby name!!! Have a great weekend!

Time to bake....

The oven is pre-heating, many sticks of butter are softening on the counter, the recipes are coming out. Today is a day for Christmas baking! Caillou is pretty excited! I am sure the boys will consume far more cookie dough than I would like, and my floor might become embedded with sprinkles, but they will have fun! Cookies to enjoy by the Christmas tree, cookies to share with friends and neighbors, cookies for Santa. After the cookie baking fesitvities have concluded, we will make the long walk to K-mart for some containers to freeze some of the cookies in! And we may just have to stop in at McDonalds for a romp on the playground and some $1 cheeseburgers!

Busy days...

Wow it has been over a week since I have shared my thoughts here on my blog. It has been a busy week. Caillou had a very happy birthday. He loved opening presents, and we had a special birthday lunch, and of course birthday cake. The boys both caught colds and I have been quite busy wiping noses, and encouraging them to take their homeopathic cough syrup, and trying to keep them still long enough for a breathing treatment on their asthma nebulizer machine. Our house has become a disaster zone in the past week, which I have been working quite hard to tidy up today. I refuse to put presents under the tree, until my house is back to it's usual cute and cluttered but clean self! We are about half-way there... I am in a nesting sort of mood, and trying to make improvements in all areas of the house, which is easier said than done, being that there is not much room in this tiny place. But I am in home improvement mode, moving things around, convinced that I will find a way to fit everything in how I want in and create a bit more room! Today I moved the diaper chaning table in from the shed, and it fit perfectly alongside the crib. The changing table has served many purposes, we picked it up at a thrift store while I was pregnant with Caillou, gave it a coat of white paint, and sewed a new cushion for it. It first served as Caillou's changing table, and then became more of a place to hold bins of toys, and then eventually went into the shed since most diapers ended up being changed anywhere but on that table! But it is back in the house again. Probably not for diaper changing of the new one on the way, but as something to hold his or her clothes in. I had hopes of buying a dresser, but there isn't much chance of that, especially since my long lanky Caillou really is in need of a twin bed, so.... I will get creative and adapt. As soon as I have the new baby area ready and presentable I will share some pics. I was able to use our car this weekend and had a fun outing with my mama. We did a bit of Christmas shopping and ate lunch out, yummy soup and sandwhiches! I am excited to have a few gifts under the tree for the boys from their mommy, even if it was my mama who gave me the money to shop for them! If I haven't said it before, I have the best mama ever ( Boo-bah to the boys!) She is always doing something for me and the boys, whether it be Christmas shopping money, or warm winter clothes for the boys, a yummy lunch out, baking yummies for her grandbabies, bringing PattiCakes dog food and treats, sending me sewing patterns in the mail, my mama is always doing something wonderful. Sunday was a quiet day recovering from Christmas shopping, going to church, and spending time at home. Yesterday I met with a nurse at my new doctors office, then had some bloodwork done, and upon standing up, apparently I passed out! I sure am glad the boys weren't with me, I can just picture myself unconscious and the kids running circles and causing terrible mischief! This Friday I go back and meet with the actual doctor, I am hoping that I will be able to find out whether baby #3 is a boy or a girl. I would absolutley love getting to sew darling little dresses for a baby girl, but I do love my boys, and I can't shake the image out of my mind that I am laying a new baby down in the crib and the baby is wearing a blue onesie. Boy or girl, I will be perfectly happy with either. Well, I suppose I should get back to tidying up this mess of a house! I have much sewing to do this week to finish up for Christmas, lots of Christmas baking ahead, and I really would like to do some more canning. My sweet icicle pickles I canned in October were delightful, and the pickle relish wasn't half bad either, a little too sweet, but still yummy! Well, before I finish with the tidying up, the boys and I are going to walk to the little corner market for a bag of tortilla chips and some tomatoes for later. This little store is pretty gross and very stinky, weird meats and cheeses that I don't dare even inquire about, and many other odd food items that I can't imagine consuming, but they are convenient when we are out of milk, or I have a craving to make nachos and no tortilla chips! And after that nacho craving, I will clear the table and put a Christmas table cloth on it!!! Chips to eat, work to do! Have a great week!

Preparing for tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a very special day. My dear Caillou will celebrate his 3rd birthday. Today has been a day of preparing. We baked his birthday cake together this morning, frosted it and covered it with sprinkles! I get all weepy and emotional thinking about how fast he has grown. I wish I could rewind time and snuggle him once more as he was when he was a wee little newborn. I look at pictures of him, and I just don't know how the time has flown by so fast. It amazes me how many changes he has gone through right before my eyes. Three years ago today, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I was waddling around like a nervous wreck, wondering just how bad a c-section was going to be. I was eating large quantities of mexican food at a restaurant called Acapulco. I walked up and down Grand Ave, visited friends who owned a little homemade soap shop on that street. Sat in an old fashioned little coffee shop and sipped hot cocoa. I counted diapers, again and again, convinced that the 600 or so that I had would surely not be enough. I packed and unpacked my diaper bag, I paced, I smoothed crib sheets, and I waited. I remember the last thing I ate was a chocolate donut from Peterson's donut corner, before the c-section fasting began. I remember waiting the morning of the 8th waiting to go to the hospital. I remember getting extremely nervous in the underground parking lot of the hospital, my mama and mom giving me a beautiful pink blanket for myself during the hospital stay, and nervously muttering something, and walking very slowly towards the maternity ward. I remember waiting, I remember nervously rambling to my anithesiologist about heartburn, I rememeber the nurse holding me tightly while I was getting my spinal. I remember laying on the table, convinced that I was falling off, I remember the doctors chatting away as I was in surgery, I remember pressure and tugging, and feeling as if my insides were being completely removed, and then were the first cries...and in that moment I became a mother, the most wonderful, joyous, beautiful, happiest moments of my life began that day. Caillou was a delightful baby, smart and adorable, wild and wonderful, full of energy and smiles and mischief from the day he was born. He made my heart melt, and I fell desperately in love with him. Tomorrow as we celebrate these past 3 years of Caillou's journey through life so far, I will look back at some of the tender moments of his babyhood, the exciting moments of his first steps and first words, the chaotic moments of wild todderhood, and I will cherish it all, and look forward to the many more beautiful moments I will share with this darling child of mine.

Mama, the Christmas Elf...

the new warm quilt Caillou has specifically requested that Mama sew for him

I have been very busy with projects for Caillou's birthday and Christmastime gifts and ornament exchanges and homemade toys. I feel like an elf at the North Pole busily creating this and that, stitching up this, putting the finishing touches on that, wrapping it up with a shiny satin ribbon, and begininng work on another project. My stash of fabric is shrinking, but not too terribly! I have been collecting fabric alongside my mama for many years, however no matter how much collecting and accumilating I do... I could never beat the size of her fat quarter stash! My poor sewing machine has taken quite a beating over the past week. We went for a walk yesterday down to the quilt shop and picked up some sewing machine oil. I could have lingered in there for hours oohing and aahing over fabric and lovely books that inspire, and patterns galore. And of course I would have loved to have gone home with a rather large bundle of pretty little prints to inspire future projects, but dear Caillou and Jasper began their screaming contests and I left the store before I got the chance to pout about being too poor to buy the little lovelies that had caught my eye! A very timely tantrum indeed!

After the boys were in bed, I took apart my sewing machine and removed a tennis ball sized lump of lint, thouroughly cleaned the insides, and gave it a good oiling. I can't wait to start working on more projects today!